Rhianna JonesIf you’ve found your way here onto my blog, chances are you are also the same combo as me – a mother & a perfectionist. That golden duo which really does not go hand in hand most of the time. I’m currently on a journey to learn to use my perfectionism to my advantage and also create the motherhood experience that I’ve dreamt of for many years. Hopefully by sharing my experiences, wins and mistakes, I might be able to help you too.
My perfectionism started at a young age – maybe 6 or 7. I was always a self described ‘nerd’, desperate for approval and a teacher’s pet (and probably see have some of that deep down). It benefited me at school and I was praised for my hard work but the cracks started to show when I did my GCSE’s. I was put into the ‘top set’ for classes but I quickly realised I was the person at the bottom of the top classes. I scraped through and did get good grades (with a lot of hard work and a kind classmate who tutored me on what I didn’t understand). A Level’s is where it hit me though. I remember being told to expect to get two grades lower at A level than what you got at GSCE which rang true for me. My A’s and B’s were now mainly C and D’s which were passes but really hit me as the first time I’d got the lower end of the scale. I remember that a family member had bought me a bottle of champagne in advance of my results as they were so sure I would be getting ‘good grades’ and I was internally humiliated when I didn’t. That family member is lovely, they apologised and genuinely didn’t mean harm but that moment has stayed with me.
Around that time I decided I wanted to study Exercise, Nutrition and Health but quickly realised it wasn’t going to be for me when I nearly passed out at an open day. Panic set in as I knew I wanted to go to uni but now had no plan. I literally sat down and went page by page through the prospectus’ looking at the different courses and trying to figure out what my skills and career looked like. I knew I enjoyed organising things and planning but I had no idea what I could actually do with that. Then I turned the page and saw Event Management as an option and knew instantly that was my path.
At university, my perfectionism was again encouraged by the way degree work is set out. It was mainly coursework which I would start the week it was set to make sure I had all the time possible to make it perfect. I’m definitely not a wait until the last minute kind of girl. My plan was going perfectly until some health scares freaked me out but I’m still proud with my 2:1 degree, especially with all the emotional things I was going through at the time.
My perfectionism came full force when I started my career and definitely was a big part of my life when I was in my role organising seminars around Europe. I had a ‘Plan B’, ‘Plan C’ all the way up to ‘Plan Z’ for every possible thing that could go wrong. Which is great for an event planner but also reinforced my perfectionist behaviours in other areas of my life.
After a years of working in marketing and event management roles, my husband and I were finally ready to start our journey to grow our family. My pregnancy was pretty smooth and although I was sick and tired, I was still going to work, socialising, working on my goals and feeling pretty good. Then our first son arrived. I was induced at 41+6 and ended up having an emergency c section which felt like the universe trying to tell me that you don’t always get what you plan for!
Postpartum was hard. Physically I struggled so much with birth recovery, then sciatica, breastfeeding issues and although I didn’t realise it at the time I descended into (undiagnosed) post-partum anxiety (PPA) and post-partum depression (PPD). PPA & PPD are both extremely common but I felt that going from my career and spending my days talking to people then suddenly being alone with a tiny baby and barely enough time to shower nevermind work on my goals was such a slap in the face.
I’ll go more into my experience in the future but after around a year of dealing with PPA, PPD plus the stress and fear of the pandemic and lockdowns, I started to realise that I needed some other stimulation in my life to keep myself sane. I started to freelance as a virtual assistant and really started to see how I could adapt my life and my identity from the Rhianna I was before, to Rhianna with children, not just ‘Mum’.
My aim is to help support other Mum’s who feel that they are struggling with the huge identity shift that motherhood brings and feel like their perfectionism is holding them back from the life they dream of.